Saddest day in my 21st year..Sat 5am June 20th 2009

On Fri, after i finished my class at 3pm i followed my 2 gurl friends went back to their hostel to hang out. They asked me to stay over but i said my sister was alone at home so i told them i will stay until 10.30pm and go back by lrt. We were hanging out near the swimming pool, listening to some of the clubbing musics and all of the sudden we were desperate to go clubbing. My friends got to called up someone to come and pick us up so we decided to go to Bangsar.

After clubbing at Bangsar which is one my friend's dad club, we decided to go to one of the house for free flow. We drank at his house until around 4 something he decided to fetch me home. He was driving damn fast almost 140 km/j. I was shouting at him asking him to drive safely but his other friend said he is steady and cool in driving as he was not even drinking. I was very afraid, my heart was beating damn fast as im not used to it. It was so dangerous as there were 3 gurls in the car.

All of the sudden, the car was supposed to be heading straight was turning to the left side in a very fast condition. I thought he was doing a left turning but all of sudden, the car bang to the divider. The car in front was badly damaged. I felt my neck and face was wet so when i touched my head, blood was all over my head dripping on my pants and neck. I was trying to open my door but the door was stuck. I was panicked. At last i got down from the right side door. I was traumatised. I sat on the road far away from the car screaming and crying as my head was torn. People calmed me down and said i will be fine but i was panicked as blood was like showering my whole body. Finally a malay guy who is the passer by fetched me and my 2 gurl friends to Hospital KL (GH) to the A & E.

It was freezing when i went in to the doctor's room for check up especially the X-ray room and stitching room. I was shivering like hell as if i entered a motuary. The stitching process was not that pain but i was shivering cause the room was damn cold with no one by my side only the nurses. They had to shaved my hair away. Blood was all over my hair. I was crying none stop when the stitching began until the end. The nurses told me i had 11 stitches. My heart was so pain when she told me that.




























































































Doctor said im thankful to be alive cause my wound was 8cm long. If it is deeper i might warded. Will never trust friend's driving skills no matter how long experience they have. Will not go out until late at night anymore. When i saw my mum cried when she walked with me out from hospital, i told myself what my mum advices me, mumble the same advices to me everyday was true. God punished me for not listening to my mum and dad's advice. Im just thankful to be alive eventhough i still cannot accept that im bald and the scar will be on my head forever.

The driver which is my my gurl friend's friend called me the next day. He kept on saying sorry to me. He asked me not to tell my dad as he was already in trouble. He beg me a few times for not asking my dad to see him or his dad. In my heart i was thinking what for i want to ask my dad to shoot his dad or him cause the scar and stitches are already on my head forever. I wanted to shout at him, but thinking it already happpened and it's a reality so i just said forget about it. I will never forget this fucker was the one made my head with the scar, feel the pain, feel the traumatised, feel the coldness, and feel the sadness from my parents.

Nice and bright outing with my friend...NEVER GIVE UP!

Met with one of my ex-college mate at MCD Ampang Park in the afternoon today. Both were really down today. He has his own problems and I have my problems too. We actually talked about it, discussed and find the solutions to overcome our problems. I actually asked him for help to write an article for my college magazine. He gave me a few points and I will elaborate and make it to a creative way of presenting it, really thank him for his help =).

We chit chat for a few hours, laughing at our friend's photos from Facebook and looking at some sexy pictures from a girl from our college. She is really damn brave to take all those pictures and show it at facebook and let the whole world to see it. Well if I have a nice body like her, guess what? I will do it also haha! Start to think of my appearance too when I see so many of the pretty gurls pictures, Im really envy of them. So Sidney, diet! diet! diet! Exercise more ya!!

Decided to watch movie at Pavilion so we took a bus there. It was raining damn heavy and we were all wet. Reached the cinema and it was so packed so end up drinking and had our dinner at a restaurant next to Carlos (forgot the name). We ordered 1 jug of Carlsberg and our dinner (sausages wrap with beef) damn yummy and he ordered Spagetti too (Rich people is like that). I was ok with drinking but for him, his face and neck turned to be so red after only a few sips..My god! You really have to improve man! Just kidding haha!

As we were having dinner, we talked about what exactly we want in our life. My friend has a stable job right now that he just join and im really happy for him. While for me, Im still thinking the solution of how to help myself to improve. I was so down for the past few days and been very emo too. He told me im the first person that he knew that actually have self-awareness of herself at the age of 21. He is really proud and happy for me. Is never too late to improve and change. I told him about my financial and savings background. I realize I really have to save money for my future usage by not wasting money to do unnecessary stuffs. Clubbing, partying, drinking, smoking or what ever is it are not the things for us teenagers to do right now. All these activities are for the adults who already have a stable financial, job and own companies. We are not there yet. We still have to work hard.

The only ways to help myself since my EQ and IQ are so low like a 5 year old kid's brain is by reading more and more books. Will really spend my boring and past time heading to Borders cause I love the Starbucks there. Since im weak in english, I don't mind to carry my Oxford dictionary everywhere. At least I have something to help me out when I don't understand a word. People might think this gurl is crazy carrying dictionary everywhere but I don't care what people think. That is what im going to do in order to success. I have to change my attitude too since I noticed not many people like the way I behave especially at college. Attitude brings you success. I will always remember that.

Ways to improve on me:
a) Save money (eventhough I can only save RM200 a month)
b) Read more books. Don't understand ask for friend's help and DICTIONARY!
c) Change attitude.

I will definitely do it. I will prove to the whole world that Im not as stupid or as useless as you guys think. I may look smart but inner actually im just like a kid. I don't want people to put high hopes on me without knowing actually I ain't that smart. Im happy and proud to have successful people proud of me and keep on saying I have a leadership look and hope to see me at the top. Im really happy for that. Now I know im not that smart and talented, so I want to improve myself before they notice that Im actually useless. I will do it until I succeed cause I admit im a fast giving up person. I will always remember what they said:




This is what JonQ wrote to me when I was at ELYN 2009.Really meaningful..



This is what Lucas wrote to me when I was at ELYN 2009.Really sweet..

Will never forget their blessing. Will be at the top one day! God bless!

What exactly I want in my life? What is my dream? What is my goal?

I FEEL LIKE IM SUCH A USELESS GURL IN THE WORLD!!!

I had a conversation with Yoggie, an Indonesian Chinese guy that I knew from ELYN 2009. He is studying at Singapore doing his degree and he is younger than me. Im 21 but I still haven't complete my diploma yet. Seriously jealous of the youngsters. I still have one year degree to go. Long way to graduate. I always have doubt on my ability. Yes, I am good in communicating and meeting people around me, but when it comes to serious business thinking, be creative, come out with special business ideas which need to use my IQ and EQ, I notice Im just similar with a 5 year old kid. I so sad of myself and I hate myself for being such a lousy girl! Here is the conversation between Yoggie and me when I was so down yesterday until I feel like im so giving up..

<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 i met jonQ for dinner just now
  
Sid- says:
 Really? So any special advice from him 2 u guys?
 he stays at SG izzit? is he Singaporean?
<g'z>> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 we meet for dinner only
 not really talking about financial planning
 but, he encourages us to go into entrepreneurship
 some advice on financial planning
 but, not into dept
 depth
 ahhaa
 no
 he is not
 i think he is malaysian
 ahha
Sid- says:
 oh ok..ya he encourage me to go too
 u noe wat..im very upset about myself
 im reli a stupid gurl without any knowledge in my brain
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 y?
Sid- says:
 i am not a smart and intelligent person at all
 my EQ is so low
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 why do u think that way?
Sid- says:
 people ask me simple ques and simple english words i noticed tat i dun even noe how 2 answer them
 tat's why when Jon Q or LL ask me ques my heart will beat very fast
 cause i dunno wat 2 answer them
 i am gud in speaking and communication but my brain function is damn low
 im so sad and i hate myself
 =(
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 u know what, u should not hate urself
 everyone has their own specialty
 you have ur own character
 being slow in responding, does not mean u cant do anything
 it means u need to work a little bit harder than the rest
 u should never look down on urself
 i did the samething before
 looking down at my own ability
 but sometimes, without realising it, i actually can perform
 with some pressure from people around me
Sid- says:
 i notice that i always need people to help behind me if not im lost and i dunno wat 2 do
 this is the thing im sad about
 i cant imagine wat my future is gonna be
 sigh
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 every one has their own flaud
 i do have to
 too
 i tend to act fast, but, sometimes, i didnt think through it properly
 the only things that i can do is to look at my good side, and try my best to use it to cover my weaknesses
 human being has instinct
 u have ur own survival instinct and unintentionally, we learn from our experience
 as time goes by, u will be better
 trust me
 sometimes, we only need efforts
 i can only give u this simple advice as u know urself better than me
 come on
 cheer up
  
Sid- says:
 i am better than u?
 do u noe i can sense ur smarter than me a lot?
 seriously
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 hahhaa
 dont think too much
 sometimes look may deceive
Sid- says:
 My Eq is similar as a 5 year old gurl
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 not real 
 u know that EQ is ur skill to communicate or socialise with people, and i personally feel that i can get to know u easily
 take tiative to know people
Sid- says:
 yes i take initiative to know people
 but when it comes to serious discussion about a project or think and create and idea
 im sucks in it
 people wants u 2 cum out with new ideas all the time especially for ppl like me who is majoring in marketing
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
  i dont believe new idea can be created that easily
Sid- says:
 i notice tat sumtimes when im given a task 2 create a simple idea on how 2 sell the product 2 a customer.. im panic already
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 i personally see creativity as sth different
  
Sid- says:
 where do u think ideas are from?
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 my advice, try to calm down
Sid- says:
 not frm ur thinking?
 i am calm-ing down
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 from all the things around me
Sid- says:
 sigh
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 usually i will see other's idea, look at what has been around in the world, then i try to see it from different angle
 if not, i will combine
 for marketing, u need to look at what the audience's perspective
 appeal to them
 even though the idea may be simple, the impact will be better
 for this, i cant really give too much advice
 my advice, try to calm down, and try to concerntrate
 maybe u need different environment to get ur idea out
Sid- says:
 i dun even dare to keep in touch with Jon Q or LL anymore..
 they are just too smart and born to be leader
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 why?

Sid- says:
 i feel like they are giving up on me
 when i talk 2 LL
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 some leader are born to be but i believe leader can ben nurture
Sid- says:
 i saw his face reaction change immediately
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 why do u think so?
Sid- says:
 in my heart i noe he must be thinking im not the person and leader he is looking for
 he said i am smart
 intelligent
 i can suceed one day
 but i noe my problem
 i just......
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 face reaction may not mean bad
Sid- says:
 sumtimes...im so sad until i lock myself in the room and cry u noe?
 my god!! im so emo now!
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 eee
 dnt be so emo
 reflecting on urself is good sometimes
 but, dont get too harsh on yourself
 i dont think crying over ur weaknesses will help
 there is always so tion to a problem
  
 think about the bright side of ur life
 think about ur strenght
 strength
 use it to cover up ur weaknesses
 and remember, in this world, u r not alone
 u have family and friends around u
 they will support u no matter what
Sid- says:
 thanks 4 ur advice..i dun hv mood becus of this
 im not giving up is just tat i think too much
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 yup
 dont think too much
 we only live once
 so, make use of it
 live it up to the fullest
 one quote that i still remember till now : the successful people is not the one who have a lot of money or own many large company, but, it is the people who always think positive as thinking positively is the hardest thing to do in this world
Sid- says:
 ya i agree with that
<> enjoyed EYLN 2009 says:
 so, try it k
 even though it is hard
Sid- says:
i seriously have no idea wat people will think of me after they read my blog
sure they will think im a loser
wat they will think of me
but i dun mind actually...wat i wan 2 do is finish my studies and think wat i wan 2 do
im fine Yoggie..dun wori

To be successful in future without any experience, knowledge, money, and support from family and friends is really really hard. I actually told myself what exactly I want to do in future? I don't wanna work for people forever. I wanna try to earn money by myself but how? No one wants to give up but im seriously worrying here because im thinking in that way right now. By thinking to give up at my age now is very dangerous and risky you know? That's why im so afraid until sometimes it might bring trauma to me. I always think too much what is gonna happen in the future because no one knows what will happen next. Is too late to plan for my goals after I finish my study. I want to know what I want to do starting from now but I keep on asking myself and lastly, the answer is not there?

CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO NOW??

OR MAYBE NO ONE CAN ANSWER THIS QUES FOR ME, I HAVE TO ANSWER MYSELF??

A little about myself

Many people ask me this question, 'Why you choose your name Sidney?'. I told them because I actually watch the Alias and I am a big fan for it. I found Jennifer Garner's name 'Sydney' was quite attractive so I decided to name myself Sidney. Although I do not really like it when people said 'Oh Im Perth, Im Melbourne, Im Paris' when I first introduce myself as Sidney, but who cares what people talk bad about my name, as long as me myself love my name then I think it should be fine. I don't give a damn of what ever shit people say about me.

I actually created a blog last year and I did update it all the time. Just all of the sudden I forgot my password so I can't log in. I have to create a new blog right now. Damn pissed! Grr...

A lil description about myself...

Working life..

1. Isukoshi Health Products Sdn Bhd (China company) 

When I finished my form 5 in 2005, I kept of asking myself 'Sidney, what do you want to do in future? You want to study majoring in what course? Or do you wanna work first?'. In my heart to tell you honestly, I do not even have any plan at all. At last, I worked at Isukoshi Products Sdn Bhd in 2006 situated at Ampwalk building near Ampang Park for 3 months. When I was going to enter the 4th month, my manager Mr. Mark Lee made a shocked announcement that this company was going to close down due to the decreasing of sales profit margin every year. The company will paid us 50% compensation and also our full salary and all the staffs were forced to leave. I really loved that job so much eventhough it was just answering calls, helping up Cheryl, my Admin Manager. That was where I started to speak mandarin again with them as I stopped speaking mandarin when I entered Standard 1 to a malay school. That was my first job and I will never forget that in my life. 

2. Gleneagles Intan Medical Centre

My second job was at Gleneagles Intan Medical Centre. My neighbour Miss Yap works in the Laboratory. One of her good friend Ms. Kong is the manager of Clinic 717 which is a big clinic with 18 consultants in it. I went for interview and immediately I got the job. My position given was 'General Clerk'. I sat at the receptionist to answer calls, make appointment, handling cashier and to assist the doctors and patients too. After 3 months working there, I gained lots of experience and everyone took really good care of me as I was the youngest there. The reason why I stopped working at the hospital after 3 months was because I was promoted by one of my ex-collegue from Isukoshi to work at A'Famosa Sales & Marketing at Menara Safuan Dang Wangi to be Admin Assistant. My salary was higher than working at Isukoshi and Gleneagles so I quickly accepted the offer.

3. A'Famosa Sales & Marketing Sdn Bhd

So the third job began at A'Famosa Sales & Marketing. My job was very simple, I just have to help the staffs to fax the quotation to the customers and clients and to Malacca and also answering calls. Guess how much my salary in a month with only a SPM cert? Haha! (secret). I got to know the Sales Executives and Sales Manager very well. The person closest to me is Stephen Su. He is elder than me for 11 years but he look young and cute (a lil bit apek also haha!). He took good care of me, everytime asked me for lunch and explained to me a lot about the Sales and Marketing line. From there onwards, I fell in love in Marketing as im a person who is more on outdoor but not indoor. I can't just sit in the office 24/7 and work in it. I have to go out to the world socialise, meet more clients and earn money. So from that day onwards, I already know what am I going to study after I work. Out of 2 working places I worked before, this was the best company that I loved to work at. Unfortunately, I was kicked off by the company after 3 months working there. I was being betrayed by people there. People jealous of me that I can speak English well, close to the Sales Manager and Director. I am not a showing off type of person. Upon 3 months there, many Sales Executive and even Stephen Su told me many people envy of me because I have such good communication and strong socialising attitude in me. I just don't give a damn and continue working happily. Until one day I was called up by the HR Dept. My Admin Manager Selina Wong told me that I faxed an A'Famosa map to a client with the word 'fucked' on it. The client called up to the Director and complaint about how bad was our company and rude as she is a regular customer. The only person taking care of the fax machine was me. No one believe that I didn't do it. I was so sad because I knew someone made a fool and betrayed me. They want me leave the company immediately. I can't even defend myself. Even Stephen Su and lots of my senior helped to defend me to the Director, but I was not given a chance to even explained what had happened. I was asked to sign a letter and leave the company immediately. I still remember it was 3 something in the afternoon. I packed my stuff and took Putra home. I will never forget the people who betrayed me. They will feel the same thing in future by other people when they work longer. Trust me the god has it's own eyes to see who is good or bad.

My college life begin...

After working for almost a year, I decided to futher my studies. I sign up at Segi College KL because it is very near my house. I join July 2007 intake for Diploma in Marketing and it will take 2 and the half years.  I am not a smart student. I didn't do well for my SPM but im ready to take the challenge.

The first semester, many of friends said I am a very 'Solo' girl. I always sit alone in class, pay full attention to what the lecturer is teaching and always the first girl to hand in my assignment. Lecturers love very much. When they have lunch with me, I still remember my friend Samuel asked me 'Eh Sidney, why you finished your assignment so fast, scared you cannot finish meh? You're so responsible and too serious for your study. Come on la..first semester only.. Don't be too serious and solo la..chill and hang out with us more' that was what Samuel asked me. In my heart I was thinking, because I know my studying level, I ain't that smart and good in written english so I have to be extra hardworking, determine and more initiative. I don't really care what they say about my ability but I do care that I shouldn't be so solo sometime so from that day onwards, I begin to mix with them a lot. 

As semester passed, my own classsmates are not close to me anymore. The first reason is, 80% of them speaks mandarin. I feel like when you are in college you should speak more English to improve. They know im a 'banana' so whenever they have any outing they never ask me to join at all. Until I saw their pictures in facebook then only I know they had so much fun. So I decided to join the prom nite on December 2007 to make new friends and also join the Student Council.

My life and journey in Student Council beginning April 2008..

After the 'Casino Royale' prom night in December, I met the president 'Peggy' and asked her whether I can join Student Council. She said 'of course Sidney, we are looking for more juniors to join'. It was because my exam finished on March so I joined on April 2008. I met Meng Wai the Vice President, Arix the PR Manager, Saiful, Noreen, Shree, Shu Wei, Jess, Pui Yan, Surrin and many more. I had a good relationship with them. My first event was Orientation Day for March and May 2008 intake students. I was promoted by Peggy to be the hostess with Surrin the host for the event. I am so proud of myself as they were people look high on me. The jokes, introduction about our college and student council were fantastic as both of us made the 200 students crowd damn high! The students loved us and people were clapping none stop. I even participated in the dancing 'Follow Me' game organised my Arix and me. I remembered I was dancing like a clubbing queen with the song Whine Up by Kat Deluna. Everyone was screaming 'Fuyoh..Sidney Sexy Baby' and clapping none stop. The Orientation day was so happening and even Mr.Gary praised me that im only a junior but I managed to get the attention from people easily as he said Im a very confident person. That night I seriously can't sleep thinking how successful was the Orientation Day.

The events that I joined in the year of 2008 was, Orientation Day for different intakes, CNY Open House, Basketball competition, Futsal Competition, Garage Sales, Hitz. FM came to our college to have fun with the students and give out prizes, and lastly PROM NIGHT 'REVIVE' held at Hotel Maya opposite Zouk on 1st of November. I acted in a drama and was given the role 'Cruella'. Cruella is a very hot and bitchy student in class and best friend of 'Isabella' (Kelly). Isabella had a crush on 'Leslie' (Saiful) but she didn't know that Cruella (me) had a crush on Leslie too. The conflicts, jealousy and competition of who is gonna win Leslie began. I loved acting in that drama. I was damn bitchy and hot when I was on stage haha!! My 2nd performance was singing Sway from PussyCatDolls individually and 3rd performance was singing Bubbly from Colbie Calliat duet with Olivia with the acoustic guitars. I will never forget that moment. I miss the prom night!!!

The above are a lil journey of my life after I finished SPM. I will update more about my personality and my goals for my future. Ciaoz people!